I am sick. I am fainting, holding on to the paramedic so I don’t hit the ground face-first. Crying, not because I am in physical pain – but I am causing trouble for my family, again.
The next time I set foot into a hospital, I’ll sit in an ambulance. No way I am ever going in there voluntarily.
Be careful what you wish for, they say. I had been feeling chest pain and numbness in my hands for a few weeks now, I didn’t catch my breath easily and walking up a flight of stairs felt like running a marathon. I didn’t care about it, until Wednesday evening, when I felt like my heart would stop beating any second. I never called an ambulance before, but I couldn’t help it. When I tried to turn my head, the whole world seemed to spin at the speed of sound, I felt sick and I tried so hard to breathe properly that I was hyperventilating.
After many tests and a visit to my doctor the day after, they found nothing. I got asked if I was experiencing a lot of stress lately, if I had back and shoulder pain. I said yes, but didn’t really want to believe that could be the cause.
Three days after, I started to feel better. I could breathe. I actually started the 30 Day Yoga Challenge by Yoga with Adriene, look it up here, if you like. Even for someone like me, who think she cannot DO yoga at all because…well, I am just not the type for it, it was great. The first two sessions pretty much erased that thought already.
I feel like a puppet lately, made to function, made to obey. I just have to work and if I don’t…well, I don’t know what happens if I don’t, but my mindset lately was, that I clearly don’t want to find out.
I worked two jobs in the last few weeks, I am caring for my grandmother, I go to Uni, try to catch up with friends, dating, the rest of the family, working on further education. I didn’t make any time to relax. I thought what I was doing, reading up on articles on Gifted Studies online at night in my bed was relaxing. But actually, it was more work. I didn’t breathe, literally, I didn’t watch or listen to my body at all.
So here are 2 things I have found out in the last three days:
- I am strong, but I am not nearly as tough as I think. I don’t allow myself to be perceived as soft. I don’t allow myself to make mistakes and if I do any, you bet that I will have quite unfriendly thoughts about myself. This is especially bad when it comes to my work because I want to impress everyone and not be perceived as weak. I have to get to the point where I don’t feel like accepting help is a bad thing.
- My body is hurting. And I don’t listen to it. Through the 1 hour of yoga I have done in the last two days, I learned something already: It will be a long way until I am getting ahead of my back problems and I am really lacking flexibility. After the practice, I felt where my body hurts, which is scary and impressive at the same time. I know that I have to get in more quality sleep and watch my nutrition better from now on.
It is scary to have your body tell you in such a drastic way that you cannot go on living your life like that. At 21, thinking that you may have a weak heart or that your lungs are collapsing, definitely isn’t something that you want.
So, I have to really practice being calm and friendly towards myself more. Cutting off the strings that I thought were binding me, when my own head is the only thing standing in my way.