I am slowly coming to terms with acccepting that my gut feeling is there for a reason. That having a strange feeling or reaction to a situation isn’t “overreacting” or “exaggerating”, if it is what I feel deep inside of me.
Writing, for me, really has therapeutic benefits. I always joked about not being able to talk about important things or argue with my family, I’d rather write it down for them so I can think about my own position, they can read it and make up their minds about it. Lately, I realised that it isn’t a joke.
I am not a great speaker, but the words come to me naturally if I write. I think it has always been like this, but right now, I can acknowledge it properly.
I have been dating a guy I met online for a few months now, and we have never talked about what the future holds for us. At first, I liked it that way, I really did because I am deadly afraid of comitting to things, even more so to relationships. We text daily and even talk about “the boring routine” of our daily lives, so it gets much more personal than: “Let’s meet and have sex.” But still, I don’t know what to make of it.
He has been applying for jobs outside of our living area and has been away for a new possible job opportunity. He was out for dinner, alone, in a restaurant and we talked a bit in the evening about how strange he felt this experience was. I was a bit surprised, but explained that I am quite used to doing that because if you travel solo, you dine solo. It is just a matter of fact and also, I enjoy eating out alone sometimes. As much as I like too meet a friend for coffee or eat dinner with my girlfriends, I don’t always have to be around people.
Jokingly, I wrote: “Well, the waiters always give me that look that says: ‘Wow, I bet she was stood up by her Tinder date, why would anyone go out to eat alone?‘, but that’s okay, haha”.
And here we go because he texted back: “Well, maybe you need to dress down. Otherwise people will wonder why you could possibly be solo.” I was really angry at first, so I snarked back: “You know, I really can’t stand this attitude people have. I’d suggest they get to know me, after that, they won’t ask themselves why I am single anymore.” And we dropped the subject.
As much as I would like to defend him and turn around his argument so it sounds like a compliment, I can’t. It is what men like to say: “Wow, you’re so pretty, how is it possible that you’re single?” when really all they are saying is that women who are perceived as attractive must have something really wrong about them because obviously, no man wants to be in relationship with ’em.
I had my “It’s funny because it’s true – moment” right there. Not defending him because for fuck’s sake, I won’t dress down or differently for anyone or for any occasion. That’s what I am wearing, get over yourself. Not defending the notion that I could only be in a relationship because a guy thinks I am pretty and if that is not the case, please go hide under a bedsheet when going out because people will whisper things about you.
Boo-hoo. Nevertheless, I think that this exact way of thinking is why I am single. Maybe a guy is attracted to me – but because I do things alone and I am not shy about it – they get the impression that something is wrong with me. She wears short dresses and sits there alone, obviously not waiting for company, much less for a date or a boyfriend, where’s the catch?
So, Jason, you’ll never read this, but listen: If I’d dress down, it wouldn’t be who I am. I don’t hide my body, not for anyone. If I’d dress down, you’d probably put me in the “fake” drawer, alongside all the other girls on Tinder and in real life that you despise (like you say). If I’d dress down, I would go back to the habit of people-pleasing, going back into my shell, like I used to because of guys like you and people like you who tell me what to do to be less weird, less of a troublemaker, less of a threat.
I would like to say that I am sorry for making your nervous, but my mother raised my to be an honest bitch. If people only learned how to deal with it…