Legible · self-care

Who were you before the world told you who you should be?

I took this quote from a Youtube video by Hello Katy. She’s an awesome person and you should check out “I’m too heavy” and her other videos!

 

When you think back about the moments or a period of time in your life when you were “happy” or “the hapiest person of them all”, what comes to mind?

I am happy in a lot of situations, but  I can easily pin down this true, overwhelming feeling of luck and positivity that is second to none.

So, I’ll make this a challenge for you. What are 3-5 things that make you uncomparably happy?

For me, those are the things:

  • being surrounded with people that I truly love
  • expressing myself artistically (writing, acting, singing)
  • reading, daydreaming and making up stories
  • travelling around with no particular destination or purpose
  • learning new things

 

The title question is absolutely perfect for this. When I was a kid, I had an endless array of questions. My mom used to tell me that all kids are curious, but I was a special one. I wanted to know everything she knew, and if she couldn’t explain something, we would try and find out how something worked or what something was.

Then I went to school and I learned fairly quickly, that after a certain time, the cool kids weren’t the ones who asked the most and knew every answer to the teacher’s questions. This is partly how I chose the name for my blog. I am always saying “Why?” and I never take anything as it is.

In middle school, I felt the pressure. I really did and I suffered from the bullying, especially because it wasn’t obvious to the adults (kids are mean) and most of the teachers either didn’t care or didn’t believe me. Or the shrugged it off and told me to toughen up or just straight up endure it.

Nevertheless, I went to choir practice and an astronomy course as well as a geography elective throughout middle and high school. I just loved learning and craved knowledge. I would pester my family with everything I learned that day, retelling whole classes word by word because I was so excited. I never got exhausted by things that I loved. 

Later in high school, I stopped caring. I had heard too many times in the previous years, that I was too much. Too silly, too loud, too timid, too ________. I disappeared until I had a close circle of friends in my year, everyone else didn’t know who I was and if they knew, they didn’t care.

A few years of trying everything and failing and standing up again and just mindlessly flailing around follow. I wake up one day, the past months feeling very blurry again, my memories thick with smoke which makes it hard to remember what I actually did. I feel like I was under water for so lond and now I am coming up and I am finally able to breathe.

I may have slapped myself in the face verbally, staring in the mirror and asking myself why I am doing this to myself. Either exercising religiously or not at all, either way critizising my body every day, not getting around to doing anything that promotes my performance in college , but daydreaming about a career I will never have. Dreading that I don’t meet people or keep up with my relationships, while not leaving the house.

Before the world told me how they see me, I was quirky. I was highly sensitive and very open about it. I was uber curious and took in every piece of new information like a sponge. I was always out in nature, bonding with animals and craving natural food. I read the news and voiced my opinion about everything. I was cracking jokes left and right and enjoyed other peoples’ company. I did not hide behind a mask of shame and understatement.

So now I am learning Spanish, I am writing very regularly. I eat because I love food and I experiment in the kitchen. I keep fewer relationships and nurture them.But first and foremost, I am learning how to stop caring about people who just want to change you because they don’t understand you.

 

Note this: People will either tell you they hate you or that you’re stupid/weird/ugly, before they admit that they are afraid of your abilities and that maybe, just maybe, they would like to be a little bit like you.

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