Because I lied and I cheated and I lied a little more…

I am the a-class advice giver, anywhere I go. People in my closer circle of acquaintances and friends ask for advice. I give advice to strangers. I know how to deal with Tinder “fuckboys” (for the lack of a better term, you may excuse me) and actual boyfriend drama, get out of a creative rut, eat healthy, the best tips for being succesful in college classes, the trendy bars in town or how to get to the nearest sightseeing place/important building/train station/the aiport.

People just ask me. I don’t know how they could possibly think I am the person to ask anything, but they just do. And most surprisingly, my tips actually work for them a lot of the time.

On the other side of the coin, the ugly one, I am cheating myself. Everday. I talk about how I think it is so important not to compare yourself to others, while looking at girls on the train, on Instagram and bla and thinking: It’s no wonder noone looks at you twice. You’ll never be as pretty as them.

I talk about how we come in all sizes and girlfriend, you don’t need to lose weight for any guy and it doesn’t matter if I’ve got an A cup. On the other hand, I experience body dismorphia and I am never happy with my size.

I need to stop giving advice to other people and focus on myself. I recently re-read my article, or more precisely, the list I wrote about the 101 things I want to achieve or work on in the next 1001 days. Besides reading a lot and being a bit more active, I did NOTHING so far. I am constantly trying to please people with a happy face and Oh-my-gawd-I’m-so-busy, whilst on the inside, I feel empty. I am vulnerable to the max and one wrong word destroys my whole day at the moment, even if unintended by the person. I go back to those destructive thoughts of “Nobody likes you” and while the sun is shining outside, I am so exhausted that I just want to sleep all day.

This is dangerous. I am never seeing through these patterns, usually, but somehow, I do right now. I need time, space and a place to recover, but I also need to be outside in the sun and suround myself with positivity. Tomorrow night we are going to the Gavin deGraw concert and I am very exited about that. I need to make positive plans for each day and work on those negative feelings, or else I know I get sucked in by the quicksand again.

Lots of love to the sad sheep all around the world – life is not worthless, you are not worthless, we just have to remember that every day.


One thought on “Hypocrite.

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