Gequassel

How to Make Sense of Life – Being a mother?!

Woa, that sounds depressing. It isn’t as bad as it may seem…promise!

I talked about how I met up with some good friends from high school a few days ago here. It was a great evening, actually, less awkward in any sense possible and catching up with everyone felt awesome.

As I mentioned, one of the ladies recently got engaged and the couple will get married next year. It wasn’t a real surprise for anyone (though I think I wasn’t the only one who shook her head in positive-ish disbelief/shock), when she said they were talking about having children.

It isn’t a real surprise because if you move in together, get married and aren’t completely opposed to the idea of creating a new human, it kind of makes sense to talk about this at some point in a relationship.

Nonetheless, we are all in our 20s (early, not even mid-) so we are still trying to figure out if we chose the right major for or BA degrees (well, that is me, just me, let’s be honest), how we manage our first real relationships (everyone besides me, that is, let’s be honest again), if we are working for the right company or if Germany really is the country we want to settle in. Or if settling somewhere is a concept that appeals to us at all.

Last year, when I was in a (what I thought) committed relationship, we were talking about those kinds of future plans. There was quite the age gap between us (nearly 10 years), so it was natural that he felt like starting to think about this more decisively.

I am going to be very raw and honest with you: I don’t want to think about any of this. 

Following this evening, I was about to dive head-first into another crisis (thanks, anxiety). I met up with a good friend for lunch the day after and I feel like she would be my spirit animal, if I’d believe in stuff like that. She doesn’t think of herself that way, but I see her as a very strong-willed, successful woman. She acts fearlessly and doesn’t apologize for her own opinion. So we always have a lot to talk about.

Personally, I’d say I always know what other people think of me or how they see me. It just so happens to be wrong when it comes to her because she told me the following:

Last summer, when you were in that relationship,  I was surprised that you suddenly talked about having children and starting a family, or at least settling down with him someday. Not that any of this is bad in itself, but you never struck me as the type of woman who wants this right now. You have so many things in your head, so many plans. I’m not surprised anymore, now that you are on a more independent path. And you know what? It’s okay.

She is right. I am young. I don’t want any of this. I want a life of my own first, a career, some time abroad, other relationships, to try out new things and conquer some of my fears. Does this mean, I don’t want to have kids? Will I never be a mom or a wife or even a girlfriend? Am I that much in need of independence?

Yesterday, I ran some errands with my father. Since my parents have seperated, he has changed a lot. In my early teen years, I would never have thought of him to be the one I would talk to about boy problems or any of the like.

I explained my concerns, comparing myself to my friend (the engaged Miss) who is so sure that she has found the one to spend her life with. Who is a unit with someone and can still chase her dreams while having some major questions figured out at 23.

He said that he does understand me (partly, as much as you can understand your daughter if she’s crazy like that), but that I would worry too much. (As always, so that’s not a novelty.) He said something very clever: “It’s not important right now to label yourself. children Yes/No, marriage Yes/No, buying a house etc. It’s important to think about it, but when the time to do that is right (or not to do it, whatever you decide), you will know it.”

Where are the tissues hidden? I’m not crying, I got something stuck in my eye. (Long lashes, everyone, it’s a thing.) He is right. It’s not bad to ask yourself these questions, but I don’t have to know the answers yet. I am 20 years old. There is some more time for me.

To quote my favourite musical as of today: “There’s a million things I haven’t done, but just you wait, just you wait.”

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